I Want to Be Alone
by IVIaedhros
Summary: When poor Shiro-chan becomes burdened down by the pressure of being so awesomely famous, it's up to local heart throb Kuchiki Byakuya and his partner, Abarai Renji, to help square him away. Parody in the extreme. You have been warned.


_**DISCLAIMER: HELLLLLOOO EVERYONE!!! THIS IS MY DISCLAIMER ABOUT HOW I DON'T OWN BLEACH. IT BELONGS TO KUBO-SENSEI. I ONLY OWN MY OC BRITNEY. PLEASE DON SUE ME EVEN IF THIS IS WAAAY BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL BLEACH BECAUSE IM, LKE, RLLY POOR! l ALSO I POSTED THIS AT 2 IN THE MORNINGAND DRNK LOTS OF CAFFEIN (LOLZ! O_o) SO THERE MIGHT BE SOME MISTAKES. BUT I DON'T HAVE A BETA YET SO IM OK AND NO ELSE EVER PROOFREADS OR SPELLCHECKS. **_

_**SRRY4 THE BAD SUMARY. I KNOW IT SUXD BUT THNX FOR RDING ANYWAY AND PLEASE NO FLAM3S OR ELSE ILL BLOCK YOU! THIS IS A HITSUBYARENJI, BOYXBOY [YAOI!} DON'T LIKE DON'T READ.**_

_**_________LUV YOU!____________LUV YOU!L  
______LUV YOU!LUV YO_______LUV YOU!LUV YOU!  
____LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV___LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV  
___LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!_______LUV  
__LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!_________LUV  
_LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV _______LUV  
_LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!______L  
LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV __LUV  
LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU_L  
LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!L  
LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!L  
_LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU  
__LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV Y  
____LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LU  
______LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV Y  
_________LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU  
____________LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV YOU!L  
______________LUV YOU!LUV YOU!LUV  
_________________LUV YOU!LUV Y  
___________________LUV YOU!L  
_____________________LUV YO  
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_______________________LU**_

I lock myself inside my room  
I WANNA BE ALONE  
With you around, you'll only add on  
I WANNA BE ALONE  
Its been disturbed by my thoughts  
I WANNA BE ALONE  
With you around, you'll only add on  
I WANNA BE ALONE

Please don't think I'm crazy  
I don't want you to understand  
My mind is growing hazy  
To hell with your helping hand  
Why don't you just leave me alone  
This conflict is my own  
Keep your sources away from me  
That's all

I lock myself inside my room  
I WANNA BE ALONE  
With you around, you'll only add on  
I WANNA BE ALONE  
Its been disturbed by my thoughts  
I WANNA BE ALONE

With you around, you'll only add on  
I WANNA BE ALONE

Please don't think I'm crazy  
I don't want you to understand  
My mind is growing hazy  
To hell with your helping hand  
Why don't you just leave me alone  
This conflict is my own  
Keep your sources away from me  
That's all

~Greenday

...

...

_Are you afraid yet?_

_..._

_...  
_

It was a beautiful summer day in Soul Society: the sun was shining, birds were singing, snowflakes were falling…

"ARRRRGH!" cried the frustrated genius-child-expert-strategist-protégée-Hitsuguya Toushiro; captain of the tenth, wielder of Hyourinmaru, slayer of the traitor Aizen and his servants the dread lady Halibel and the bastard, Ichimaru Gin; husband of Hitsuguya Momo, consort of Matsumoto Rangiku, Kurosaki Karin, Kurosaki Ichigo, Kuchiki Rukia, and your sister as he opened the door to the mail room and was once again buried by mountains upon mountains of fan mail.

"GWARRGGGH!" roared Hitsugaya Toushiro as tried to snarl and stomp his way out of an enormous mountain of letters and packages. The frozen spirit within his noble soul cried out in rage for its master's pain as Toushiro drew the epic blade and launched into a frenzied blur of lightning fast attacks with lots of frozen and flying icicles and other cool stuff. Outside, the weather shifted from blizzard to hail storm.

"Haaa…haaa…haaa…"

Five minutes later the diminutive captain stood huffing and puffing amidst the multicolored confetti of all the packages and letters and he had puréed to escape. His hands shook, his haori had somehow been cut to shreds and fallen off and his perfectly formed and still hairless chest heaved with exertion and sweat. The temporary relief from his genocidal urges abruptly ended when sound of someone sipping a drink through a straw, loudly, came from behind him.

"Excuse me, Hitsugaya-taichou," Toushirou slowly turned around to face the owner of the haughty voice, Kuchiki Byakuya, along with his vice-captain, Abarai Renji. The 6th division captain stood languidly in the middle of the hallway with his thumbs hooked in the belt loops of his tight, black leather pants. He wore an unbuttoned white dress shirt while Senbonzakura hung loosely from a separate belt on his waist. His hair was free of the usual kenseikan and his cold grey eyes were hidden under a pair of red, plastic heart-shaped sunglasses. An unlit menthol hung loosely between his teeth.

"Yo," grunted Renji, who was attired in alligator skin cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a leather biker jacket done in the style of native North American with leather tassels and plenty of embroidered beads. The redhead's signature pineapple hairstyle was gone in favor of letting his crimson locks flow freely down his back. He too had slipped his zanpakuto under the belt on his waist. A pair of oversized headphones hung from his neck.

It was him with the juice box.

"Kuchiki-taichou, Abarai-fukitaichou," Hitsugaya grunted in return.

"Hitsugaya-taichou," Byakuya said slowly and with great deliberation, "I do not mean to intrude upon your personal…" the older captain's voice trailed off as he used Senbonzakura to delicately pick up a training bra that was draped over Toshiro's right shoulder and fling it out a nearby window, "…issues…"

"It fell out when I was slicing the packages…"

"…but Abarai and I were eating outside and it is difficult to eat one's sashimi one when there is a hail storm."

"I see," responded Toushiro in a very thoughtful, serious tone. Hitsugaya was always serious and he was always, always thoughtful.

Always.

Even around his friends.

Especially his friends.

Closing his eyes of striking jade, Hitsugaya took a deep breath and concentrated; let the anger go, the rage melting away, _release_.

The pounding of hail abruptly stopped as shafts of light came through the windows, allowing the frost that had materialized there to melt away. Eyelashes of gossamer frost fluttered open, Hitsugaya looked out at his compatriots again.

"Thank you, Hitsugaya-taichou," Kuchiki formally intoned. The nobleman made as if to leave when his hidden glance fell upon one of the many letters strewn about the floor. The somber heir of the Kuchiki speared the letter through with Senbonzakura and pulled the maimed parcel up so that he might read it clearly. What he saw there made him frown slightly. "You're having trouble with fans."

Toshiro grunted.

Renji slurped from his juice box.

"As I recall, it was shortly after the midway point of the _Soul Society_ arc that I came to know the trials and travails of being too popular," Byakuya crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall and chewed his cig' in recollection. "After I confessed my past with Hisana to Rukia and helped Ichigo defeat that uncouth bount, Kariya, there was a point where I could scarcely walk out my own front door without being mobbed by a pack of rowdy heathens. Conversations with anyone even remotely popular became perilous as the resulting meeting would be drawn by some artist in a lewd light or else some deranged writer would warp my mind to conform their own deviant desires. Similarly, any attempt at even the most mundane activity resulted in dimension-shattering schemes conducted on Aizen's part. But even barricaded in my own home I was not truly safe: this was taken as lonely depression and a Mary Sue from either your division or my own would come and try and 'cheer me up' by barging into my house to seduce me."

Renji nodded in sagacious agreement before slipping his hand through Byakuya's in a show of support.

"How did you stop the madness then?" queried Hitsugaya. Perhaps there was a way out of this mess after all.

"I didn't," replied Byakuya "God did."

"God?" Hitsugaya asked, genuinely puzzled.

"Yes, Tite Kubo-dono," Kuchiki affirmed with another nod. "After the first movie, the focus of the series was shifted away from myself and back to Ichigo and his nakama. A further influx of newly pubescent fans then turned their attentions to you, thus completing the shift."

The menthol rolled to the other side of the mouth as Byakuya paused in contemplation of his past trials. There was another slurp and Renji's hand started to wander.

"I imagine their choice was a result of easier cognitive self-insertion and your relative abundance of reasonably attractive love interests…really, Grimmjow and Zaraki edging me out of the monthly Top 5 in _Shonen Jump'_s popularity poll was merely the final nail in the coffin, so to speak." Byakuya paused again as if he might say more, but instead merely contented himself with an introspective shrug of his shoulders. A subdued slurp signaled Renji taking another sip of juice and the arrival of Renji's hand on the backside of the tight, tight leather pants.

"So what did you do?" Hitsugaya asked. "What can I do to stop," he waved his hand around in frustration, "this madness?"

"Just close your eyes and think of home," Byakuya deadpanned.

Renji snorted some of his juice out his nose.

"No, seriously," Hitsugaya returned, he and Byakuya both ignored Renji's chocking noises.

"Clearly you haven't been paired with Zaraki yet," Byakuya replied while he slapped Renji on the back while looking down his other hand its perfectly manicured nails, "but besides that, I recommend finding a support group. Both Ichigo and Rukia have a great deal of experience in these matters. If you feel uncomfortable going to them, you can always try a fellow survivor in a neighboring anime. Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Sasuke would probably be your greatest sources of information, and I imagine you would find much in common with them."

"Beyond these," Byakuya said, ticking off his fingers as he went down the list, "I might also advise that you be diligent about your health checkups with 4th , particularly if you can arrange to meet with an unknown healer-avoid Hanatarou, ask for a pregnancy test."

"For who?"

"You. I would add to this killing your enemies as soon as possible: do not mercifully allow them to live as they will only try to kill you again later on as revenge."

"Be as well-balanced and content in life as possible without being loud about it-angst and exuberance attract otakus in equal measure."

"Do not duel, get help. Use surprise attacks, don't lecture while fighting, go immediately to bankai. Actually, throw your sword away and get a decent assault rifle."

"Always keep a set of condoms and birth control pills on hand-avoid Yoruichi."

Finally, Byakuya came to his conclusion. "I believe that is all of the personal advice that I can give you, Hitsugaya-taichou," Byakuya finished as he counted off the last of his fingers. While Hitsugaya put away the notepad he'd been furiously writing on Byakuya added that lack of visibility or being upstaged were the only permanent remedies and these, unfortunately, would be unlikely to occur given his relatively unique combination of relatable physical attributes and cool disposition.

Having dispensed his advice the Kuchiki heir let out a long, royal sigh of empathetic frustration before turning his back to the 10th division captain so that his tall, muscular body was silhouetted in the fading light as all faded to background fuzz save Byakuya himself and the cherry blossoms that fell about him.

"Just remember that this too shall pass and eventually life will return to what it once was," He said as he walked in slow-mo towards the white light of the door.

"Come, Renji, we must go: it is your day to be the uke."

"&*&!"

_**A/N: OMFG, LIKE, OHIYO, KONICHIWA DE-GOZORU, JA? SO, I WAS LIKE, TOTALLY PISSED THAT ICHIGO HAD AGAIN PULLED A DUES EX MACHINE OUT OF HIS BUTT AND COMPLETELY UNIMPRESSED WITH THE FIGHTING WITH THE LIEUTENANTS WHEN, LIKE, WHOA(!!!) HALIBEL AND BARAGAN ARE TOTALLY WHOOPING BUTT! CANT EXPECT ANY ACTUAL DEATH OR PERMANENT AND CRIPPLEING INJURY BUT WE MIGHT JUST HAVE A STRUGGLE HERE OH MAYBE NOT, HITSUGUYA IS GOING TO SPOUT "IRON LAWS" OF WAR. LOLZ, I THINK I SNAPPED A LITTLE, BUT NE, NE, I REALIZED I WAS BEING UNFAIR TO HITSUGUYAYA. HES JUST A WHITE HAIRED VERSION OF SASUKE UCHIHA: DECENT CHARACTER SODOMIZED BY THE FANS. **_

_**YES, I'M TALKING TO **YOU**, ADRIEN**_

_*_**Note***

Hopefully no one was offended and got a good laugh out of it. No other results were intended. The fact that I'm jokingly trying to claim some sort of moral/artist high ground against a bunch of thirteen year olds on the subject of DBZ with Swords(TM) is not at all lost on me.

And if you think I actually made that crazy heart thing myself, you are insane.


End file.
